Pondering The Grooves

September 3, 2010 by Rieshy
Does anyone remember the following poem from their childhood?

Now I lay me down to sleep, 
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  
If I should die before I wake, 
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

This verse definitely doesn't dovetail with current sensibilities.  Try to imagine it hanging on a nursery wall next to a bookshelf holding attachment parenting books. 

Sunday evening my 4 year old fell asleep next to me in church.  I got to hear the entire sermon.  It was wonderful!  Until I realized my 4 year old wasn't peacefully sleeping but, in fact, couldn't wake up because his blood sugars had plummeted. 

Crowds of people swirling around my pew.  Chatting, visiting.  There I sit trying to force a lollipop in my 4 year old's mouth while simultaneously trying to get the lid off his emergency glucose gel.  A good friend sat to help me.

"Jack can you hear me?" 

Some of my older children swirl by.  They know what's going on.  How many times have they seen this?  Too many.  
"Is Jack going to have to go to the hospital?  Can we go play dodgeball with everyone else?"

Routine.  Grooves.

How does a heart cope with that?  How do my children's hearts cope?

I'm beginning to see that the routine, the groove of my son's illness, cuts each time- with each crisis.  I've developed calluses.  I don't feel it as deeply each time.  
But the damage is the same.  Routine pain is merely pain-deferred. 

How do you cope?  How do you continue to love a child when their illness constantly leaps upon you without warning and attempts to rip your heart out?

I don't know- but I do know that the callouses of the routine help.  They absorb the shock, help me to cope, they give me time.  Later? Later I can stay up too late and sit on the sofa with my husband.  Later I can go to God and cry, "Why?" 

I suspect that the grooves only really damage a heart if they are ignored.  

So, I'm pondering those grooves.

I have a "modern" version of the bedtime prayer that a sister gave to me when my oldest was born.

Now I lay me down to sleep, 
I pray the Lord my soul to keep. 
Watch over me through all the night 
and wake me safe by morning's light.

Now that's a prayer that a parent of a child with FOD can definitely get behind. 


Melanie said...

Sorry you had another scare. Hope Jack is doing well.

We always said,
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
Thy love guard me through the night,
And wake me with the morning light.

Sleep well!

Ostriches Look Funny said...

Oh how frightening. I'm amazed at your strength in these situations.

at least he got a lollipop?

Seriously though, you are fast becoming a hero mommy in my mind. I'm thankful that things turned out alright. I'll pray for you and your grooves and routines.

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