All Dressed Up And Nowhere To Go
When you have a child with a chronic illness some days are "Hospital Watch" days. They are days that your child has symptoms on the cusp of their protocol for going to the E.R. But just on the cusp.
Days at home waiting, and watching, and wondering, if you'll have to end up in the hospital having your child admitted.
Those are the days that you dress for the hospital, just in case, to facilitate being taken seriously by doctors. You dress to not freeze in waiting rooms and because certain outfits are easier to sleep in while sitting in uncomfortable chairs.
Hospital Watch days mean planning meals that can be cooked by the family left at home. It means full tanks of gas and no teens too far afield. It means changed plans and shuffled children. It means texting your husband with updates and reassuring everyone around you.
It means constant prayer -sometimes conflicting, because on the cusp is a hard place to be, a no man's land. How disloyal and shocking is it to find oneself thinking, "I'm so scared and so tired, just nudge my child off the cusp one way or the other so we know what to do?"
Hospital Watch days are Coffee Pot days. Chocolate sneaked for that burst of energy and veggies eaten because you won't be able to get them in the hospital. They are vividly real days with every minute accounted for, nothing taken for granted.
Stomach ache days. Adrenaline days.
Sometimes they are irritable days where you just don't think you can do this anymore. You just don't want to do this anymore.
Then you kiss your child's head and breathe another prayer. A prayer not to sleep through a feeding, not to miss a reading or an alarm, a prayer for wisdom and strength. A prayer for healing.
Most of all, a prayer to please, please let me be, let me have the gift of being- all dressed up with nowhere and no need to go!