Last night, sometime during my whooping 3 hours of sleep, I dreamt that I had an appointment with a owner of a meat processing plant and was trying to find the entrance to make the meeting on time. For some reason I had my 2 yo old with me. I opened a side door to the factory to holler hello. But it was chained and only opened a foot wide; my son slipped through the crack before I could stop him. My son disappeared and no one could hear my yelling over the sound of all the machines.
Gee, I wonder if the dream represents stress and worry?
I didn't cry at the hospital with my 4 yo this weekend. I didn't even cry when I was trying to take him home but had lost my car in the parking garage. I didn't cry at the less than positive follow-up visit on Tuesday, though the possibility occurred to me.
I didn't cry when my 2 yo woke me up Wednesday night with croup, unable to breathe. I just hugged him tight and marveled at how he patted my back to the same rhythm I patted his.
I didn't cry when my 2 yo woke me up after my bad dream last night with a raging fever. Or today at the pediatrician when he told me it was probably o.k. unless my 2 yo keeps running a fever.
I haven't really slept in over a week so I found it hysterically funny when I saw that my husband had ordered the pilot of Fantasy Island.
However, when I opened the mail this afternoon I cried. I cried and snapped at a child who was innocently trying to chat with me.
Our insurance denied coverage of my 4 yo's hospital visit claiming that it wasn't, "medically necessary." After 2 hours of phone calls it's been taken care of. They will cover it.
But somehow, I can't stop crying, not the sobbing type but errant tears that just won't stop quietly tracking down my face.
I wore sunglasses to the grocery store.
Sometimes it's the little things that knock me down.
As usual hymns keep coming to me, I think I've even mentioned this one before. I've never been able to get my mind around trying to diagram this hymn's main refrain but it's still comforting: "For I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that he is able to keep that which I've committed unto him against that day."
Psalms 104 also keeps popping out of nowhere into my consciousness.
My husband and I were talking. I told him how that I had found myself telling God that I just really wasn't up to this job, as if I thought I could resign my life or be transferred to a new role. My husband understood.
My husband commented that if love was easy we wouldn't have to be commanded to do it.
Love. The crazy thing is that it both knocks me down and picks me back up.
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8 comments:
Susan,
It always hits me when I least expect it. I will be praying for your youngest son.
Love is hard. I had a morning this morning wear the tears wouldn't stop falling down my face either. We've had an incident at our high school this week that has really made me feel so sorry for what our kids go through on a daily basis, how fast they have to grow up and how much we can't really protect them like we want. But Love will carry us through and see us to the other side. Hope your next week can be more "boring". : )
Believe me, I know what you're talking about. I tell myself that life is like the military: they totally break you down, and take away what you made yourself to be, and raise up the new foundation that is stronger.
That's what I remind myself , anyway, when we're in the ER once again...
I know what you mean.
You have a very wise and wonderful husband, and he has a very wise and wonderful wife. Blessings to you both, and health and peace to all of you!
thank you for posting this.
I haven't been writing because I just feel so stressed out, and sad (for some reason) over little and big things. I think sometimes darkness is so heavy and stifling, and it seems like my little candle wont make it. The darkness will not overtake it, flicker as it might. I'm grabbing, clinging, digging in with my fingernails to love. And for some reason, I feel better knowing I'm not alone in this struggle.
"if love was easy, we wouldn't have to be commanded to do it."
oh.how.very.true.
praying for you tonight...tears are good...healing.
I read from Sarah Young's book today..."Jesus Calling"
here's a tiny piece from it that will reach your heart, I'm sure.
" when some basic need is lacking---time, energy, money (you fill in the blank), consider yourself blessed. Your very lack is an opportunity to latch onto Me in unashamed dependence. Rejoice in your insufficiency, knowing that My power is made perfect in weakness."
Between You and Me,
I've not heard of the book. Thanks for the quote. I'll have to look for it.
Pride is one of my issues- not that my pride caused my children's illness. -but I can see how God knows that if I had my physical needs more "completely" met, I would quickly think I didn't need him.
I just wish I could learn this lesson thoroughly enough not to need to be taught it anymore:)
What a powerful post. I've heard we'll never be given anything we can't handle, and I believe it. We might be tested up to 99.9% of what we can handle however and we may come through it on our hands and knees.
You are a powerful woman.
Thank you for your much appreciated comment on my line drawing.
oxoxo
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