Last night we had another class on the book of James. I started wondering something. Bear with me if this isn't very coherent:
My 4 yo's metabolic disorder is a chronic condition. As far as medical issues go he has it easy compared to what some children suffer, and he has it hard compared with my incredibly healthy older children.
Comparative levels of suffering and trials isn't something that I want to try to wrap my head around at 6:00 in the morning. Some children have physical problems so difficult that anything I talk about might just sound like whining; but my point is that as my son has gotten older it' a weird dance letting him mature yet having to remain a physical caretaker far longer than I had to with my other children.
I had my older kids dressing, feeding, driving the car to pick up groceries, all by themselves by the age of 2. I was very montessori. O.k. I threw in the car driving, really at 2 they were only on motorcycles... With my 4 yo I have to closely monitor his food and medicine intake, his naps, his energy levels, his blood sugar, his bathroom trips. Physically, with all the monitoring I have to do, it is more akin to mothering a 12 month old.
However, I may be his mom and his caretaker but I still have to separate myself from his experiences. He owns them. If I feel terrible because he's at a birthday party and he can't eat the ice-cream, I can't let my empathy amplify his "suffering". If he trips 400 times at the library and annoys the librarian I don't need to feel embarrassed or give a mini-lecture on his condition and energy problems. If they have to do another blood draw, he doesn't need to look up at my face and see me tearing-up.
On the flip side, I may worry about the possibility of a g-tube or the fact that he could lose his vision, but I don't need to share those concerns with him. Right now he is "healthy". We just need to enjoy life and enjoy every second of good days. On bad days I don't need to smother him. He is not a 12 month old.
Back to James 1:2 and my main point, I had never wondered or dwelt on the fact that before God's throne, my son is already separate from me. God already has a plan for him. Why my son is already having to face trials?- I don't understand; but God loves him and is already working completeness in him. Completeness that is separate from the completeness God is faithfully working in me.
God's separate, intense and intentional love for my son is what I am thankful for today.
Go to Thankful Thursday to see what other people are thankful for today.
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11 comments:
That was beautiful and I thought one thing that might be a good thing to come out of it in a weird kind of way... Maybe it is kind of nice to "mother" him for longer than the others? Yoou know, keep him away from motorcysyles until age 6?!
On a serious note, i can't fathom your daily worry. It would be hard to not worry.
Girl, I hadn't thought about that- it is nice to still get to carry him sometimes. Maybe instead of a motorcycle he can learn to drive a Segway.
this is powerful. I died at the car driving part. My 2 year old would LOVE that if I would let him...but I guess I'm more protective than you are.
I'll be praying for you. It's funny how you pray things, and want certain results, and God's answers for you are so much more complex than you could even imagine, so complex you don't even get it sometimes until...way later. I'm studying Esther right now, and that's what I've noticed. He is good though, isn't He?
Very cool. Your son sounds like quite the trooper.
Praying for you, and your precious son.
Thanks for writing this, Susan. You have expressed some of my very own thoughts that I haven't been able to get out nearly as coherently! Every child is different anyway, but some of our children do require a bit more attention and care. I sometimes struggle to remember that my 4 yo is 4 and not younger. It's been an interesting few months as he's begun to express himself so much more! I'm learning tons!
Thanks for letting me learn from you today.
This is something I've been thinking about w/C. I gave her back to God years ago, but I have to go through it every day. He knows His plan for her, even if I don't. So -- do I trust Him or not?
That was VERY well stated and amazing! Just amazing! Thank you for sharing with us what God has revealed for you. Very inspiring and can be applied in so many ways.
Praise God for ur son...I pray God will strengthen you and bless you!
Happy TT
Melanie, I agree with the everyday sentiment. Just once I wish I could learn something once... and not have to relearn it over and over!
It is so hard for me to trust God and His plans for my son. I know I need to, that I must let the worry go...but I want reassurance that it'll all be alright.
And that is my honest reply.
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