A New Heart

May 20, 2010 by Rieshy
In the long standing tradition of pessimists everywhere I adore imagining worst-case scenarios.  Added to Traditional Pessimism is my tendency to over-think everything.  It's easy to see how Hope is not one of my inherent strengths.

Sooooo, how to hope and/or pray for healing with honesty?

No idea.

Related in a roundabout fashion is my curriculum search for the fall.  I've been home schooling for over 10 years now.  I'm a bit bored/burned-out with what I've been doing.  My newest crop of elementary aged kids have different learning styles than my oldest three.  Bummer.  Adding to my schooling malaise is the scheduling difficulties that having a chronically (and unpredictably) ill 4 year old has imposed.

This week, besides plucking my 2 yo off the ceiling or chatting with him while he sits on the potty, I've been researching curriculum online.  I've become a tad possessed about it actually.

I've also been overwhelmed and blessed by the sudden onset of glowing health in the looks and behavior of my 4 yo.    He spent the last weekend of April in the hospital after a long Winter and Spring of a slow and disheartening fade.  Yet suddenly I can take him to the park and he is able to play without triggering a metabolic crash.  In fact, at the park Monday, he joined a pick-up game of capture-the-flag as if it were something he's done a million times.

Hope. Hope can be scary for pessimists.  It hurts to hope and then be wrong. Buuut... hope is not my goal.  Hope is but a part of something larger, something that, "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

Back to my curriculum search.  I've realized I want to buy something that's been in short supply this year; but what I want is not commercially available.  I want to buy a boxed set of enthusiasm un-sapped by anxiety and the joy of learning untainted by impatience.  Once again I've been aiming at the subset.

Instead of chasing the parts of life I need to aim for the whole, love.  Love, as in God.

How?  I don't know, but I've been humming a song based on Psalm 51:10, "Create in me a clean heart, O God, Let me be like thee in all thy ways."

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Between You and Me said...

would love to more about what you've used this year and what you are looking at for next year....we've been so pleased with our classical approach to schooling...I love our curriculum....

praying for you....

Hen Jen said...

Susan, I've had school years like that..just no enthusiasm at all. I just plodded on, and kept praying. Eventually it came back.

joyful with you over your 4yo's increase in good health.

I've also dealt with my younger kids needs pointing to diff. curriculum than I used with the olders. The hunt is fun, but also a litle nerve racking with so much money on the line.

I agree with the above comment, I would love to hear what you are considering...

much grace and peace to you this weekend,

Carolyn said...

Such good news your son has had a good week. I know those pessimistic thoughts just too well- I got sent a poem that I loved & thought of u- will em u
((hugs)) for you

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